As I was sitting down to read today this phrase caught my eye. No insurance.
Not insured. Having no one/nothing to cover/protect you in case of illness or loss. Merriam-Webster defines insurance as: the action or process of insuring or of being insured (assure: make safe) usually against loss or damage by a contingent event (as death, fire, accident, or sickness).
Having lost 2 homes to fire, automobiles to accidents and wages to being sick, the monetary value of insurance has been proven.
But what about my soul? What insurance do I have against the arrows and stones thrown at me in anger by co-workers, parents, children? What safety do I have when I have to let my children grow up and begin to live lives without me? Who protects my soul, my heart, when my love dies, is shattered and relationships I have valued end? Where do I turn for help? Who knows me? Who cares? And, if they care can I trust them?
Who has proven true?
Parents, fail and die. Spouses and children the same. Best friends, try, but can’t always be there nor do they always understand. Who knows? Who understands? Who will protect me? Who will grieve with me? Who will never fail me, never leave me?
In my life there have been very few people who have always been there. Mostly, because I wouldn’t let them. I thought I was the only person I could trust. And even I, failed myself. So, what now? Just give in and die? Stop feeling? Don’t associate with other people? Don’t allow anyone to become important? Stop living? Just exist? Even that doesn’t work. Tried it. Failed.
Who could love me? Who could love me past the barriers, the walls, that I put up? It sounds so trite, so stupid to say it but the reality is, only Jesus could. Only Jesus did.
I called on him because I felt I had lost everything. I had 2 children, was in the highest paying job I’d ever had, was independent, almost everything looked like it was going right. Yet I was plagued with depression, bouts of uncontrollable rage, sexual addictions, suicidal thoughts. Yet, I remembered.
I remembered, at the age of 16 making a deal with God. I had just been in a service where God Moved, where I was prophesied over and I had become completely honest with God. I told Him, “ God, I know what’s waiting for me outside of this building, the depression, the anger and God I don’t want to go to Hell. If I leave this building I’ll go right back to being depressed again. Kill me now, kill me tonight. I don’t want to go to hell. I don’t want to fail you.”
There were mornings I would wake up and hurt because it hadn’t gone away, the anger, the depression. Looking back, I can see myself holding on to that promise. Clinging to the wisp of a promise that I would not fail, that God would not fail, that I would not die as broken as I felt. I held tight, so tight, to that promise, that assurance from God. I always knew He was there. I was just afraid.
One day I had enough. I said, “I can’t go on.” I was working 10 hour shifts every Sunday. My parents had my children in church and I would drive past this one church at 6:30 every Sunday night. One day I said “I can’t do it anymore” and pulled in to the church. Song service was over, the preaching had begun and I slid into the furtherest back seat I could find and broke. For four Sundays I did this. I ended up at the altar, alone, just me and God. Just me and God. No prayer warriors, no pastor, no friends or family. Me and God. As I look back on the years since then, the greatest times of turmoil were when I relied on people. Good people, People who would feel incredibly hurt if they realized how they failed me. Whenever I forget that my insurance (my protection, my safety) is only in God, whenever I put more trust in people than in God, my life fails.
My life has changed so much. When I tell people what I used to be like, no one believes me. But I remember. I was bankrupt, I had no value, no resources. I constantly took and was never able to give. Now I know who my source is, who my best friend is. He has walked with me every moment of every day of my life. Even when I refused to see Him. He has never failed me.
Place your trust in Jesus. Make Him your only source of insurance. He will never fail. He will show you who he made you to be. Don’t cling so tight to who you think you are that you never become who you can be. Let God show you who you truly are, beneath the lies, the anger, the hurt, the empty shell. Let God restore in you the value you were created to have. Be honest with Him. Tell him, “Whatever it takes, Lord. I want to be different. I can’t do this anymore.”